In my last blog, I mentioned that when I initially told people I was taking a sabbatical, many jumped to the conclusion that I was burned out. That assumption frustrated me.
I received a number of replies to that article (thank you) and one person’s question has been sitting with me:
“What makes how others define your sabbatical meaningful?”
It has taken me a full week to formulate a reply because I want to be profound and poetic. This time off and the lessons that have come from it are so big and beautiful. I want my writing to match what I feel but … words fail.
So I’ll settle on straightforward.
When I started on this journey I felt confused and vulnerable. I was trying to make sense of it myself and the fact that others thought they understood it when I didn’t was frustrating.
I was taking a sabbatical because “God told me to” but that isn’t an answer that lands with many and it was one that my human self was wrestling with anyway. Each time someone said “You are burned out,” what I heard was “The only reason anyone could justify taking a break is that you are burned out.”
“You are burned out” was triggering because it touched my deep fear that I was the most selfish person in the entire world EVER.
Actually, that isn’t exactly true. This never felt selfish. It felt scary and necessary. I had a choice and I was choosing a dark-night-of-the-soul kind of journey. My deep fear was that everyone would judge me as the most selfish person in the entire world EVER.
Over time I realized there was another problem with the way people assumed burnout. The choice to take a sabbatical felt incredibly complex and yet others reduced it to an idea that would fit on a bumper sticker.
Being reduced sucks.
One gift this time has given me is the ability to watch the world rather than create and control it. What I’ve noticed is how little patience most people have for complexity (myself included.) Complexity eliminates space for quick judgments. We want everything NOW. We detest the murky waters of “I’m not sure” and “I don’t know yet.”
Our brains are so overwhelmed with data and details that we want to decide and categorize quickly so we can move on.
I’m going to have alot more to say on that but for now what I’d like you to take away from this is the grace that comes with accepting you are a complex human. There may be something you know you “should” do but can’t quite bring yourself to do it and you keep beating yourself up about it. What if isn’t that simple?
What if the reasons you are “stuck” are layered?
What if the only thing you “should” do is extend yourself some patience?
Better yet… What if you aren’t actually stuck, but simply standing still while God moves mountains underneath the surface?
I love you. Being human is hard. You are doing an amazing job.
Patty
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