A few days ago I shared that Spirit told me I’ll be back to work come mid-June.   It is a weird feeling to have been “out of the world” for so long and know I’m coming back.

I spent at least 40% of this sabbatical wondering what my return date would be.  In January and March I had mini-crises that the end was not in sight.

Each time the crisis emerged I would worry for 3 days straight about what the future would look like if I never felt the call back to work.   

How would we pay the bills? 

Would Matt, my husband, continue to love me? 

Would my children judge me?

Like a bad stomach virus, the fear would roll in, peak at day 2 and roll out just as fast.  I’d remember that I was following Spirit and Spirit had never let me down before.

So it was particularly confusing when I had a mini-crisis over returning to work in June.  I’m in crisis when I don’t know when I’m going back to work. I’m in crisis when I do know when I’m going back to work – AGH!  

I had no clue what I’d be working on and that scared me.  Throughout this entire break I had always believed that something was being reworked inside me.  That when I was called back to work it would be a crisp clear new start.

I was open to that being anything – a job offer, a new type of coaching, a new course of study.  “New” was the operative word.  As I sat with the message I’d be returning to work nothing felt new.

Healed.  Whole.  Balanced… these were all words I could use to describe me personally.  But when I thought about working, nothing was there.  Not a single glimpse of inspiration.

From that vacuum I assumed (incorrectly) I’d be going back to the work I left, simply better rested.   I was devastated.  I’m embarrassed to share that.  With all the pain in the world, all the things that are truly devastating, how could I possibly feel devastated in this context?  And yet, I did.

This last year I felt more vulnerable than I have since I was little.  That vulnerability was tolerable only because Spirit “had me.”  I was following and Spirit was leading.  But I didn’t feel like the journey was complete and if Spirit was leaving me – how would I find my way? 

This “crisis” dropped over me like a tidal wave – hard and fast and disorienting. 

But something in me had shifted and I took charge.  

Along this journey, I have built one muscle – the muscle of surrender.  That was the muscle I employed.  I reminded myself of how many problems were resolved in ways I couldn’t imagine and this one would be as well. 

I reminded myself Spirit gave me a date and nothing else.  Everything I was worried about was based on a story I was making up in my head.  Spirit had plenty of time to light that inspiration in me.  Or more accurately, there was plenty of time for inspiration to rise in me.

I sat in meditation and anchored myself in this truth.  The upset and fear swirled and swirled and then cleared.  Within a few hours, I was back to mostly “inner peace” and by the next morning, I was back to trust in Spirit.

Within a week I felt the glimmer of something new.  Now, a few weeks later huge chunks of inspiration are flowing.  It hasn’t coalesced in a way I can explain it to you but I can feel it.

I’m sharing this in part to tell you where I’m at and bring you along on the ride.  And I’m sharing this to remind you to be in this moment of your life.  Not tomorrow and not in June or July or next year.  Here. Today.  

Most of our fears and worries come from what we think the state of our life tomorrow will look like based on where we are today.  And that ignores all the magic that is possible.

Believe in the magic!

What’s Next

In the coming weeks, I am going to share stories from this last year.  I promise to make them as helpful as I can.  All that healing and wholeness and balance I mentioned earlier came with a price.  I want you to know what that price was.

That sounds ominous, doesn’t it?  It isn’t.  It just came down to recognizing my weaknesses and needs and learning how to accept them with humility and compassion rather than humiliation and criticism.  

I hope that my stories make it easier for you to recognize your own needs and to embrace them with love in the process.

I love you.  Truly.  Thank you for reading.